(the) Melvins – Tres Cabrones (the) Melvins – Tres Cabrones

(the) Melvins - Tres Cabrones (2013)

(the) Melvins – Tres Cabrones (2013)

(the) Melvins are KISS and I’m glad. We need a KISS these days more than ever as the kids grow slow and America goes broke and the effete and impudent snobs of pleasure turn the visage of privilege into an untenable mask, gilded in anarchy from which no fun can come, not ever.

And yes, I know that KISS still exists but who gives a shit? Their records are terrible and that Simmons sex tape was the most depressing (if “HOLY FUCKING FUCK!” worthy) piece of collateral arrogance our poor culture’s witnessed since The Ultimate Warrior found knife and oil.

So (the) Melvins are my KISS now and they should damn well be yours too. They’re the hardest working rock and roll band still lugging their shit in a van. They just played 51 states (yeah, yeah) in 51 days last year for fuck’s sake. THEY BROKE A FUCKING GUINNESS RECORD! They release a staggering amount of material with a shocking degree of regularity much of which is extraordinary if not totally consistent (Buzzo/Crover blasts and dirges with someone…ANYONE…on bass or Big Business too) aside from their noise records which are indulgent and weird and irksome and pretty much an answer to The Elder, I imagine. They also market themselves like nobody’s business, ensuring that much of their output is released in limited, artistic editions (to say nothing of their toys, posters, etc.) for the privilege of the aesthete, the delight of the rabid fanboy and the profit of pretty much everybody…mostly.

And they fucking sign EVERYTHING.

It doesn’t hurt that (the) Melvins totally sound like KISS with the big dick chug and pure relentless everyman rock stack readiness (even when drawn out to a pitch drop) that made those painted Brooklynites the 70s answer to everything but on their new effort (the second this year) Tres Cabrones, they prove that though they lack free tits and pyrotechnics, they might just be a little bit better.

Because (the) Melvins are more than KISS. (the) Melvins are Ron Jeremy. They get it. They know that they’re KISS and they know that by being KISS they have a certain obligation to be bloated and endless and absurd, however unlike KISS they understand that being KISS is totally fucking ridiculous (see above and then some). KISS know they’re KISS but they’re awfully serious about it. Ron Jeremy knows he’s “the hedgehog.” He understands that he’s fat and balding and greasy and hairy and that it’s amazing and hilarious that people still want to pay him to have sex for a living but they do, so he does and that’s awesome. He’s a willful parody unafraid of his age and in perpetual, unashamed celebration of his halcyon days.

Which brings us back to Tres Cabrones. This record was created as an anniversary present from the band to the band back to their fans. It features the closest thing to the initial lineup getting together as we’ll ever know. Young, hung and fun as fuck. It’s populated by patent fuzz nonsensical RAWK chugs and silly billy covers (as well as some more dead-on homages) all of which are enjoyable on their own merit but become certifiably brilliant when you consider that they were written and recorded as a sort of speculative history. Tres Cabrones is from (the) Melvins of 2013 for (the) Melvins of 1983, that takes account of thirty years of relentless musicianship and whittles it down to the one thing the band’s intimidating catalog is missing: a debut.

Rather Tres Cabrones (itself a reference to ZZ Top’s totally badass beginning) is the debut of (the) Melvins as they never really were but maybe could have been. A trip down a foggy, fucked up lane back to the essence of this great nonsense or about as close as the band or any bad cowgirl will ever be.

Tres Cabrones Tracklist:

Doctor Mule
City Dump
American Cow
Tie My Pecker to a Tree
Dogs and Cattle Prods
Psychodelic Haze
99 Bottles of Beer
I Told You I was Crazy
Stump Farmer
In the Army Now
Walter’s Lips
Stick ’em up Bitch

(the) Melvins - Tres Cabrones, reviewed by Charles on 2013-10-17T16:01:08-07:00 rating 3.6 out of 5

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