Tape Wyrm -vs- Tin Ear Tuesday Tape Wyrm -vs- Tin Ear Tuesday

Maryland Deathfest 2012 Preview

Editors Note: This week, Charles and I decided to switch our respected columns. I supplied a rousing edition of Tin Ear Tuesday unearthing untranslated Swedish hardcore. Charles, in turn, would write a short preview on Maryland Deathfest. Tonight, I received the text which follows. It was written in glitter pen on parchment surrounded by heart stamps. Attached were newspaper clippings from a Czech periodical along some cryptic and unidentified tufts of hair. I thank Charles for his enthusiasm. Now let God help us all.

-Kaptain Carbon

Let’s get something straight here. There is a considerable difference between opening your doors and having the sanctity of your mind (separated, at one time, by a lovely oak upon whose knocking Samuel Beckett was once compelled to revise Finnegan’s Wake. Joyce, it was said, was wretched at dictation…also, an ass-huffing, eye-patched prick) violated by a lemur riding a diamond-clad tapir screaming something vaguely chthonic (one man can only assume, I never followed Jung) while hurling fifths of Jack and tattooed asps (how, Kap’n? WHO?!?!) at your otherwise unrecognized neck beard demanding rights to D-Beat Swedify your weekly column in exchange for a glib, extended preview of every fucking band playing Maryland Death Fest’s X Anniversary (a festival which, despite your best intentions, you have never been able to attend) because nothing’s funnier than some dude who, in the eighth grade though he was totally metal, realizing that he has aged completely and utterly without grace unlike Slayer and you deserve to get your ass thoroughly pounded by a bunch of…I don’t know…gnomes?

But fuck it, you know?

The snakes were cool and the Jack was colder and now, thanks to a combination of blinding pain, stinking drunk and the usual dose of lonely necropsy, I am thoroughly immune to all things slithering, coral or fanged.

At least, that’s the Kap’n said.

Hey, where’d the tapir go?


——————————————————-Thursday, May 24——————————————————-

Extermination Angel – 4:45 – 5:10 – Local death grind act that flirts towards the goofy proclaiming themselves “the holy exterminator come to cleanse you of your life” which is a shame because now you’re dead and you spent all your karmic clams on a weekend pass.

Die Pigeon Die – 5:25 – 5:50 – I love the name of this band so fucking hard. They’re Australian stupid gross out scatological fuck nonsense. I believe their vocalist is actually a colon.

Needful Things – 6:05 – 6:40 – This band started in ’95 and is finally coming out with their second full length of “19 pretty furious grindcore tracks.” Everything about that sentence makes me sad.

Rorschach – 6:55 – 7:40 – Let’s get one thing straight. No one gives a fuck about Rorschach and no one ever did. The only reason this band revels in any semblance of significance is that they went on to play in Deadguy, Kiss It Goodbye, Playing Enemy and Shai Hulud plus Charles Maggio started Gern Blandsten records. Also, your band’s a pussy.

Dying Fetus– 7:55 – 8:40 – Whenever I hear “technical” “death” and “metal” combined in any way that isn’t the opening of a tome penned by Mary Roach or Peter Sotos, I know I’m in for a long, bored migraine.

Absu – 8:55 – 9:40 – A Texas band that plays “Mythological Occult Metal” which means they’re lyrics are ludicrously dense and often unpronounceable. I could’ve sworn that they were Japanese.

Eyehategod – 9:55 – 10:45 – Oh, Jesus. These guys. The fact that these Southern sludge junkies are alive is a testament to the fact that God isn’t dead, he just doesn’t give a shit.

Agalloch – 11:00 – 12:00 – Blackened pop-prog metal for the trees. Alternately inspired and wholly uninteresting but different, you know? A pretty clear template for Wolves in the Throne Room only infinitely less shit-shack reactionary.

Autopsy – 12:15 – end – Damn, man. Autopsy’s started out in ’87? Broke up after going hardcore in the 90’s. Formed Abscess (whose “I Don’t Give a Fuck” totally rules) until they broke up. Reformed in ’08 and are currently rededicated to double-bass drum death metaaaaaaaauuuuggghhhllllll!!!!!

——————————————————–Friday, May 25——————————————————–

Main room

Castevet – 3:30 – 4:00 – Not the Castevet that I know and love (who may or may not have changed their name to CSTVT) who are a little Emo-y, I guess. Castevet remind me a whole lot of Anodyne’s no fun approach to thugging chords with a fine sense of Black Metal typography.

Nashgul – 4:15 – 4:45 – Spanish grind that makes me happy for no readily apparent reason. Perhaps it’s the name. Spins around in your gut like undercooked tapas.

Ghoul – 5:00 – 5:40 – These cats just opened for GWAR so if they’re not a direct side project, you know they still appreciate the fuck out of thrash props, blood and velocity. Good times.

Today is the Day – 6:10 – 6:55 – Bad times. I’m not sure who all Steve Austin is playing with now (one of his old units went on to form Mastodon) but you can bet your sweet ass that they’ll be tight, weird and totally virtuosic. Heaven help you if he busts out the keys.

Negura Bunget – 7:25 – 8:25 – In many ways, I appreciate black metal’s association with the savage primality of nature. In many others it makes me feel like I’m at a Ren Fair full of wraiths and frenzied lute solos. They’re ideology is kind of interesting. I should learn more about Transylvania.

Unsane – 10:40 – 11:25 – YEEEEEEAAAAHHHH, BUDDY! New York noise thud mongers from back in the day until Chris Spencer can’t wear a Yankees cap anymore. Scrapes, screams and the best rhythm section in rock and roll next to Shellac. Kind of out of place here, actually.

Setherial – 11:40 – 12:25 – At one point in my life I was able to explain (through shrieking, mostly) the difference between Swedish and Norwegian Black Metal. Alas those days are gone but Setherial are of the former camp and have been corpse-painted since ’93.

Nasum – 12:40 – end – Nasum decided, several years after the death of Mieszjo Talarczyk to go on a farewell tour with Rotten Sound frontman Keijo Niinimaa. I have no idea what seeing the new, last Nasum will be like but Human 2.0 is one of the only grindcore records I ever ACTUALLY enjoyed.

Outside Stage 1

Demigod – 5:40 – 6:20 – A Finnish death metal band on their third lease on life. Their first album, Slumber of Sullen Eyes is purportedly a killer. They’ll probably play it. You’ll, likely, be pleased.

Artillery – 7:15 – 8:10 – Danish thrash band dating back to ’82 and calling Voivod their contemporaries. Jesus. They’ve never played the states before. Get in the goddamn pit.

Godflesh – 9:30 – 10:40 – Words can not possibly express how fucking PISSED I am to be missing this. JK Broadrick is the shit. I know it’s kinda base to say that but I feel so strongly about Streetcleaner that the only way I could adequately express myself is if I slit my throat, lit your house on fire and ate the Queen Mum’s face.

Outside Stage 2

Macabre – 6:20 – 7:10 – Murder metal from Chicago with a school-boy crush on true crime and nursery rhymes. Funny like your drunk uncle’s wife abuse jokes and they once put out a split with Capitalist Casualties

Napalm Death – 8:25 – 9:25 – Legends never quit.

——————————————————-Saturday, May 26——————————————————-

Main room

Infernal Stronghold – 12:30 – 1:00 – Philly thrash. Blackened trash? Who are we kidding? You’ll totally miss this.

Bloody Phoenix – 1:15 – 1:45 – Wait. Is this band named after the endlessly regenerating bird of fire and myth or that shit city in Arizona? Because, seriously, fuck that state.

Looking for an Answer – 2:00 – 2:35 – Get in line, kid.

Dragged into Sunlight – 2:55 – 3:25 – I am way more terrified of a metal band from Liverpool than any church-burning Nordic pagan pony boys. Unpleasant as all fuck in every way, shape and form. Do not fuck with them.

Black Witchery – 3:50 – 4:35 – Well, that name’s just silly.

The Devil’s Blood – 5:45 – 6:30 – Three guitars and super boobs. Metal your dad’s buddy might listen to before he started opining about how Crowley’s sex magick practices informed the works of Iron Maiden which they totally did, little dude. Hic!

Archgoat – 6:45 – 7:30 – A Finnish black metal band formed by brothers Ritual Butcher and Lord Angelslayer that sounds exactly like you think a Finnish black metal band formed by brothers named Ritual Butcher and Lord Angelslayer would sound like.

Horna – 7:45 – 8:30 – Also Finnish. Also BM. Most people think that means “bowel movement,” you know.

Noothgrush – 8:45 – 9:30 – Really? Okay. Sludge ala the unlistenable sections of Man Is the Bastard’s DIY dirge et political oeuvre. Asian girl on drums. A band for comps.

Tsjuder – 10:35 – 11:25 – This Norwegian Black Metal band once had a guitarist named Berserk who I can only assume is dead, in accounting or raising the cutest babies with Gaahl.

Haemorrhage – 11:40 – 12:25 – Surgical goregrind. Once you’ve had Carcass, you’ve had it all until you’ve had it in Spanish, I guess.

Winter – 12:40 – end – Named for an Amebix song and not the season. They have a record and an EP and haven’t done fuck all since ’94 which is, I suppose, why they’re headlining.

Outside Stage 1

October 31 – 4:30 – 5:00 – Oh. This is kinda fun. I’d like them better if they were Helloween but who am I to complain?

Deviated Instinct – 5:50 – 6:40 – UK crust/death punk from as far fucking back as ’84. Christ almighty. Their first record was on Peaceville and I’m willing to wager they sound exactly the same now as they did when they weren’t middle aged.

Confessor – 7:30 – 8:20 – How many bands on this bill are under fucking 40? I know age ain’t a thing but…goddamnit.

Morbid Angel – 9:30 – 10:40 – I know a LOT of people who love the ever-living fuck out of Morbid Angel and, for the life of me, I’ve never been able to understand why. They always just sounded like a garbage disposal vainly intoning Akhenaten while a hummingbird fucked a Marshall Amp in the face and maybe some drummer guy.

Outside Stage 2

Hellbastard – 3:25 – 4:10 – I was thinking of Hellchild. Totally wrong.

Morbid Saint – 5:00 – 5:45 – Shared a tour manager with Death forever ago so they’re…oh, man…I don’t know. All this belated thrash is making me feel fat.

Anvil – 6:40 – 7:30 – YES! I LOVED THAT MOVIE!

Brujeria – 8:25 – 9:25 – I would ask the good Kap’n to link to some crazy Narco beheading clips here (there’s been a LOT recently) but there are some things you just can’t fucking unsee. Thanks, Brujeria. Thanks for reminding me.

——————————————————–Sunday, May 27——————————————————–

Main room

Backslider – 1:30 – 2:00 – Start your Sunday getting yelled at by two dudes from Philly, I think. I also think they might be awful.

Coke Bust – 2:15 – 2:45 – There are a lot of interesting things happening in the land of thugs, sobriety and hardcore that are not at all related to Coke Bust.

Agents of Abhorrence – 3:00 – 3:30 – Aussie grind trio. Probably political. Hard to tell through all the RARASRWEEEHHHHEEEERRAAAGGG!!!!

Cough – 3:45 – 4:25 – Monolithic sludgy psych cries from the toothless maw of Richmond, VA. On Relapse. Pretty fucking serious and totally fucking high. Several songs are well over the ten minute mark.

Rwake – 4:40 – 5:20 – More epic sludge. Somehow, more listenable and decidedly more engaging than you’d think. I’ll go ahead and assume it’s the Little Rock coming out. Relapse as well. Coonskin Caps.

Ulcerate – 5:40 – 6:25 – Kiwi death. Poor little birds.

YOB – 6:40 – 7:25 – This is what happens when you buy an axe, smoke some grass and spend an Oregonean lifetime listening to Sabbath. The vocals give me rage shits.

Nausea – 7:40 – 8:15 – Is this the NYC crust punk band or the Los Angeles grind band or the Belgian cold wave band or the Japanese thrash band because if it’s the band from LA Amy Miret’s gonna kick in your dick.

Sargeist – 10:35 – 11:20 – There is a point where the corpse paint and the screeching and the shrill repetitive guitars and the satan and the lonely weirdo demo pseudonyms just makes me sleepy.

Bethlehem – 11:35 – 12:25 –I think these guys were on the Gummo soundtrack which, at the time, blew my mind. I knock a lot on Black Metal’s absurdist superlatives but, mercifully, Bethlehem identify as Dark Metal which differentiates itself from the cartoonishness of evil in favor the tortured wonder of the human experience. These dudes are sensitive. I dig it.

Mortuary Drape – 12:40 – end – Italian Black Metal. Gonna go ahead and assume their appearance on our shores is a profound rarity and thus recommend you enjoy their cloaks for bragging rights in hell.

Outside Stage 1

Demonical – 4:00 – 4:40 – DEATH METAL DARKNESS from Sweden who refer to their live shows as “battles” which, at this point, I’ll totally accept. The next band that tells me their live experience is a “ritual” is getting a rolling pin up their ass.

Church of Misery – 5:30 – 6:20 – Don’t talk to me about misery. I was raised Catholic.

Suffocation – 7:20 – 8:10 – Long Island REPRESENT! Technical death metal. Groooools and notes.

Electric Wizard – 9:30 – 10:40 – Doom Metal of a legendary sort. Heavy fucking heavy with dope and distortion and a pretty blonde which, somehow, makes the massive walls of unfuckwithability they’ve extoned since the early nineties all the more daunting. Good shit. Get fucked.

Outside Stage 2

Disma – 3:15 – 3:55 – My friends used to live in a church that was, purportedly, directly referenced in The Horror at Red Hook. I helped them remove pigeon nests from the rafters. I’ve never read Lovecraft but feel perfectly comfortable referencing Cthulhu when it suits me. Praise him. Perish. Amen.

Morgoth – 4:45 – 5:30 – Man, fuck Tolkien.

Pentagram – 6:25 – 7:15 – There are about as many Pentagrams are there are Nauseas. This one’s from Chile and holds sway over monsters like Sepultura, Celtic Frost and Napalm Death. Unless I’m wrong…which I might be. Metal is motherfucking confusing.

Saint Vitus – 8:15 – 9:20 – Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, WHAT?!?!??!

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