Tape Wyrm VI: Heavy Metal Wedding Tape Wyrm VI: Heavy Metal Wedding

Heavy Metal Wedding

I am getting married next week. I know everything happens so fast and it just seems like last year I came aboard as the new Pinpoint writer. I want too thank Charles for a wonderful bachelor party which consisted of nothing but eating peyote and listening to electro-punk in the desert. I appreciate all of the gravy boats and monogram towels which now crowd my desk and I consider you all my family. Throughout the numerous eye gouging activities including locating venues, choosing place settings and gathering addresses for distant third cousins, there existed one question in the back of my mind. This question was — “What type of metal will I play at my reception?” This article, of course is regarding reception music. You will be hard pressed to find a great metal song for a ceremony unless you can convince an organist to play Bathory’s Blood fire Death on pipe organ. We are not going to spend a lot of time debating traditional reception music because it is awful unless you consider a rousing mashup of “Who Let The Dogs Out” and “Whoomp There It Is” to be apart of a good time. Unless you are members of White Lion, All 4 One, or Kool and the Gang and thus reaping royalties, it is not unimaginable to allow yourself some other options. If you are adventuresome and would like some possible alternatives to this music, this article is for you.

I can already hear your aunt, grandmother or radio friendly brother in law now, “People want to have a good time, not listen to your weird music.” I’m going to assume that the reader has already taken a certain amount of pride in their music cultivations. If this is the case, then a 3 hour parade of popular radio hits is most likely not going to be fun. In fact, it won’t. This is your wedding and it is feasible to have a hand (stranglehold) on the music choices. If your brother, aunt or grandmother’s argument lies in “kicking back” or “letting loose” for the sake of celebration, then they should have no problem with songs that lie outside of the middle school dance arena. If not, they can all go fuck themselves. I’m sorry grandma, not you…everyone else.

Many people think adding in heavy metal to wedding receptions will render them tacky. The below recommendations were made with scenario and appropriate mood considered which balances interesting music with your grandparents threshold for heavy music. You will, of course, need a DJ who is sympathetic to your cause or a good friend who can successfully press next on an iPod. Both my soon to be wife and I developed a relationship which was built on a strong foundation of metal appreciation. It is because of this that we felt it important to include metal in our celebration of union. I can understand that if either party of a relationship does not enjoy metal, this idea may seem silly. Regardless, studies have shown a strong correlation between healthy marriages and an enjoyment of blistering heavy metal. Sure, you could disregard this article and go with the “Chicken Dance” or you could be awesome.

Incidental music

While at the reception, your guests will want to mingle, awkwardly find their place at the table and eat chicken croquet from the buffet. For this a playlist of non intrusive background music is necessary to win over the confidence of your loved ones. One does not have to look far for metal interludes which use acoustic guitars or never break into distortion. Amassing a playlist of metal incidentals not only will keep people at ease, it will prepare them for further deviations with music.

Black Sabbath – Orchid
Celtic Frost – Tristesses De La Lune
Ulver – Høyfjeldsbilde
Earth – Father Midnight
Alcest – Les Iris

Slow dances

There isn’t a lot of metal which falls under the banner of slow and romantic, at least not together. There are slow songs and surprisingly even romantic songs but the two together is sparse and even when combined doesn’t sound like a traditional slow dance. There are, however, many folk metal and even power metal that can satisfy one of the elements of a slow dance. Of course, the couples first dance will usually be something more meaningful but one does not have to look far to find music which lies at the same tempo and mood as Dashboard Confessional. Listen I’m not disparaging that one song that both you guys picked, I’m sure Celine Dion would be flattered.

Falkenbach – Asaland
Ariel Ruin – Amends
Agalloch – Birch White
Dark moor – Tilt At Windmills

Dance music

The dance portion of the wedding usually holds the most atrocious acts of musical indecency. At this point, if your reception is serving alcohol, it is safe to assume people have allowed themselves to become more at ease. This is when the local DJ’s usually break out the “rock” hits as well as songs that could also be played during football games. At this point in the night, you could switch over to your dance mix which is interlaced with traditional heavy metal and high symphonic power metal. The key to this playlist is not only high energy but endless optimism. Some of your guests will be wondering where the line dances and cue for the congo are. Try to let them down easy and offer Iron Maiden in their place.

Slough Feg – Tiger Tiger
Iron Maiden – Aces High
Stratovarious – Black Diamond
Judas Priest – Exciter
Dio – Rainbow In the Dark

Leaving music

At this point in the night everyone will be leaving. For those who haven’t left, they will wave goodbye and then plan to make their exit. The exiting process is usually mired though with conversations with relatives you are struggling to remember. Make this process easier by unleashing the most vile forms of death metal possible to ensure speedy exits. The day or night is over so do the establishment a favor by sending everyone screaming to the front door. This will be expedited if you arrange for Portal to be the house band.

Cryptopsy – Crown Of Horns
Gorguts – Nolstalgia
Portal – Glumurphonenal

Wedding Night Music

Without being overtly crude, a wedding night is the one time in most cultures where sex is universally accepted. Within the confines of marriage the shared interactions between the couple is encouraged. Why not take advantage of this situation by playing music about victory, battles and dragons? By allowing Manowar, Rhapsody Of Fire and Blind Guardian into your hotel suite, the very personal act of love making transforms into an epic saga which spans dimensions and aeons. I have also included songs which last over ten minutes becasue well, you can figure it out. It maybe awhile before a sex playlist grows beyond the arenas of Marvin Gaye and light downtempo, when it does I can offer you some other, more adventuresome selections.

Manowar – Achilles, Agony And Ecstasy in Eight Parts (1-IV)
Manowar – Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy in Eight Parts (V-VI)
Manowar – Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy In Eight Parts (VII- VIII)
Blind Guardian – And Then There Was Silence
Rhapsody – Gargoyles Angels of Darkness
Avantasia – Seven Angels

Recent recommendations

Mastodon – Black Tongue

Oddly enough, my next three recommendations are from current American bands who play a mix of heavy metal not confined to strict genres. This of course could be a good thing as well as a terrible thing all together. I discussed Mastodon last Tape Wyrm with the release of the “Deathbound” b-side. This single, plus the Adult Swim video, was to pave the wave for interest related to the band’s new album The Hunter. Mastodon has burned me in the past and like a scornful lover I am wary regarding any new material. The first single from The Hunter surprised me as it made me excited for the first time in many years. 2009’s Crack The Skye was too complicated and self serving. The Hunter seems to have stripped all of the progressive trappings in favor of a simplistic form of heavy metal. This, of course, has led to some bitter detractions from fans use to the noodly compositions. Regardless, Mastodon sounds together yet they have a much more focused approach, something that has been lacking since the mid 00’s. The video for “Black Tongue” shows woodcarver AJ Fosik at work on the piece which would eventually land on the cover of the new record. Watching Fosik work is incredible and speaks highly of a band who gives respect to their visual artists.

Opeth – Heritage

Alright let us talk about Opeth. People are furiously clamoring for this new record. In fact, the announcement of the band’s 10th record Heritage has caused as much excitement as backlash. Whether or not the fans heard this song or the million other fake songs uploaded on Youtube weeks prior has not been determined. What is known from the proper single is the absence of the progressive death sound which has made the band a household name. Fans should reminded as this is not the first time Opeth has shed their death allegiances as 2004’s Damnation did the same thing. One does not simply become a progressive death metal band and not expect the style to eventually … well progress. Into what, you may ask? Late 70’s hard prog. Fans of Opeth desperate to hear the new single can either click on the above link or travel over to the right hand side for the Soundcloud stream.

Big Business – Always Never Know When To Quit

Big Business is a stoner sludge band whose current association with The Melvins only comes second the previous bands headed by the members. The Whip and Karp are probably two names which allude a lot of people but contribution can be heard in the balls out, piledriving aesthetics of Big Business. 2007’s Here Comes the Waterworks was damn near perfect and should have been given more awards at the end of the year. The band’s 2009 followup Mind the drift was less than average and caused me to loose interest. 2011 marks a new EP for the band, a new label and a new chance for the band to impress me after years of mild interest. While the new song lacks the power of “Grounds For Divorce” or “I’ll Give You Something To Cry About,” it still is a damn fine start for a fresh Big Business.

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