Mumford & Sons, Gotye, and Fun. Win Big at Some Award Show Mumford & Sons, Gotye, and Fun. Win Big at Some Award Show

170112_GRAMMY_RCG_32In a starling revelation that was perhaps orchestrated months in advance, a bunch of young popular artists were recognized by the ageless council of record executives for their hard work at perpetuating a dying system. In a dramatic narrative that is in no way connected to anything real or concrete in this reality, Mumford & Sons took the award for best album while Gotye took the award for best record while no one else questions why those two are separate awards. God Fucking Damn it. Fear not however. If you thought that your voice in this spectacle was lost or even mattered in anyway, NYC based shapeshifters Fun. also took home an award for best new artist and song for that one about being young. Sleep tight sweet prince. Yes, Music’s biggest night was a success as nothing that actually mattered was uttered within the span of three hours and nothing awarded carried any sense of cultural merit other than fodder for morning news and cable video clips. The Grammys continue to astound the world as their presence, which lacks any substance or matter, defies the the natural law of physics. How do they do this without slipping into another plane of existence? Lord help us all.

Record of the Year: Gotye — “Somebody That I Used to Know”

Song of the Year: fun. — “We Are Young”

Best Pop Vocal Album: Kelly Clarkson — Stronger

Best Pop Solo Performance: Adele — “Set Fire to the Rain” [Live]

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: Gotye — “Somebody That I Used to Know” feat. Kimbra

Best Alternative Music Album: Gotye — Making Mirrors

Best Rap Album: Drake — Take Care

Best Rap Song: Jay-Z and Kanye West — “Niggas in Paris”

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z and Kanye West feat. Frank Ocean and The-Dream — “No Church in the Wild”

Best Rap Performance: Jay-Z and Kanye West — “Niggas in Paris”

Best Urban Contemporary Album: Frank Ocean — Channel ORANGE

Best Traditional R&B Performance: Beyoncé — “Love on Top”

Best R&B Song: Miguel — “Adorn”

Best R&B Album: Robert Glasper Experiment — Black Radio

Best Rock Album: The Black Keys — El Camino

Best Rock Performance: The Black Keys — “Lonely Boy”

Best Dance Recording: Skrillex — “Bangarang” feat. Sirah

Best Dance/Electronica Album: Skrillex — Bangarang

Best Country Solo Performance: Carrie Underwood — “Blown Away”

Best Country Album: Zac Brown Band — Uncaged

Best Spoken Word Album: Janis Ian — Society’s Child: My Autobiography

Best Comedy Album: Jimmy Fallon — Blow Your Pants Off

A full list of award winners can be found etched on some stone wall of some undisclosed sacrificial chamber, a place where the blood of young animals is offered in exchange for immortality and power.

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