Blacklisters – Adult Blacklisters – Adult

Blacklisters - Adult (2015)

Blacklisters – Adult (2015)

On Christmas day, instead of running around the house half-naked and more drunk than I’d care to admit, forcing my very patient and loving and understanding girlfriend to pose for pictures with me in my ratty-ass Delaware dollar bin (official) Peter Criss mask as has become Team Ditmars tradition, I was getting my tooth extracted in Flushing by some sketchy-as-all-hell emergency dentist Ms. Mitzi found on the internet.

It cost me seven hundred bucks.

And though I can’t say that I remember the entirety of the experience (HERE’S TO EXPERIENTIAL BLACKOUTS!), I can say with abject certainty that the whole thing fucking sucked. Sure, the removal of the tooth was the right move as the thing was viciously infected and said infection had had me vibrating pitiful and inarticulate on the couch with a pound of ice on my face for days but we’re not talking about right here, we’re talking about Xmas. We’re talking bacchanalian pleasantries and TBS dreams of Red Ryder defensive measures and reheated meat pie and blue home movies. We’re AT LEAST talking some fucking nitrous oxide to help me ignore the fact that the man with the vice, drills, pliers, et al. in my mouth (which I’m pretty sure he rinsed off in the sink after he broke to take a piss mid procedure) was engaged in such a chop shop job that people in the “waiting room” (his place of operation being an Orthodox family’s renovated garage) heard him say ‘Wow. That really is a lot of blood’ before informing me that I would need a bone graft or my ‘structure might collapse’ (whatever that means) or a Percocet script to help me get through the next three days without cigarettes or alcohol or anything to eat easily other than mashed potatoes, butter and chicken stock on top of ‘the expected oozing’ and panic that invariably sets in when your last vaguely functional molar’s been replaced with a half inch gash that still hasn’t closed too many weeks after the fact.

But he wasn’t. All he was talking was three shots of Novocaine (one of which missed and went straight in my tongue) and two Ibuprofen with one Tylenol every four hours or so, as needed.

Fuck him.

Listen to Blacklisters.

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