SXSW 2013 (not so) Short List: Numbers, A-F SXSW 2013 (not so) Short List: Numbers, A-F

BIG_sxsw_2013_logoWell, shit. Here we go again. I’ve spent the last two weeks plumbing the depths of the 3,000 some bands playing SXSW this year determined to know just about everything and everyone happening those six glorious days we tremble through the streets of Austin, TX drunk and porked and terrified that our waning knees will surrender to the weight of the rock at any moment. Here’s the first batch of my findings. It is, likely, riddled with typos and woefully incomplete. As of March 4th, I have only managed to make it through “O” but I swear to all that is hot, wet and godless that I will complete the task set before me in a fevery Melville dream one night in ghostly NC and lay the results out for your consideration throughout the rest of this week. Rockit.

The 1975 – 80s big synth feelings from the children of Manchester which’ll have your future ex-girlfriend drooling and you seriously missing the dangerous haircuts of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin.

24-7 – NOT 24-7 Spyz. Like, holy fucking shit not. One kid in this band is 13. No one else can buy smokes. Is that even okay?

3rd Line Butterfly – I was going to call this the first worst name of the festival but then I learned that the band was Korean and so Ima have to assume it’s some deep spiritual translation or something.

A.J. Croce – Jim’s son. I used to know all of “The Ball of Kerrymuir” by heart. Probably still do.

Action Bronson – Fat chef rapper. His mixtape isn’t half bad. Pretty sure Lemon and I saw him playing in a pickup last year and couldn’t care less. We were after knives.

Afrobeta – Afrobeta is (by their own admission) a love child and also Miami so get your roofies ready.

Agonizer – METAL LIBRE!

Ain’t No Love – Oh, dude. Fuck this kid’s goatee.

The Airborne Toxic Event – Really?

Akron/Family – Weird sorta pretty folky tribal psych well loved (once) by Young God and championed by M. Gira.

Albatross – Holy SHIT! Albatross like AN Albatross?! Nope. They’re like Seven Mary Three only Nepalese.

Alien Ant Farm – Fuck you.

All Tiny Creatures – Midwestern multi-instrumentalist led band of “oohs” and “aahs” and loops of American nouveau hippie jazz hands.

Allah-Las – Ben, do we like this band? I think we like this band. Sadder surfy.

Alpha Rev – Big sad songs for drunk girls to sing with their pretty friends.

alt-J – Their name is actually a symbol but it’s pronounced “alt-J.” Get it? (grumbles something to his dogs about the bane of British culture)

AM & Shawn Lee – Is this a band or a dude and a DJ? Whatever the answer, it’s super fucking swingback charming.

American Aquarium – Alt country Wilco reference. Drink up.

American Fangs – It’s like the “Rapture” rap but pop punked. Horrible.

Amplified Heat – “Don’t Mess with Texas” was an anti-litter campaign.

Amy Cook – Well this is just country folk love. Swoon.

Anamanaguchi – Oh, man. This fucking chiptune shit again? Fuck that. This year, I’m fighting them.

Ancient VVisdom – Folk metal made much better if you pronounce the double Vs but not really. I want to believe they’ve toured with GWAR.

Andre Thierry & Zydeco Magic – This is some good old creole party right here. Goodonya.

Andrew W.K. – One day, this man and I will high five a supernova.

Andy Stott – Lemon loves this cat (so does the Kap’n) and would probably drag my hungover ass a mile and a half to see him play his laptop at the Urban Outfitters by campus if he had the chance.

Angel Haze – Anyone who opens a verse with “Okay, I’m Rambo” has got my attention. Spit it, sister. My ears are electric.

Ash – TELL ME JACKIE CHAN IS NOT A FU MANCHU OH TELL ME WHAT YOU SAY A-WHOA-A-OH-OH-OH! That was a long, long time ago.

ASSACRE – Assacre as in massacre or Assacre as in an acre of asses? Some questions should never be answered when it comes to one-man masked queer death thrash.

Atlas Genius – WE KNOW MAPS!

Audacity – OOOH! I think I like this band. I do. It’s the slop tough garage snuff. Sweetness.

Baauer – What the fuck with the Harlem Shake?

Bad Cop – I’ve met worse.

BADBADNOTGOOD – Beats and bleeps and groove and generally mad decency.

Bajofondo – Like a Heineken spot come to life only with an…I don’t know…whoever Heineken’s music producer is is fucking spot on with the world sex appeal, though.

Balmorrhea – Oh, yeah. This is one of the big tender post rock epics that played Fun Fun Fun this year. Did McHank see them? No? Kwame? Goddamnit.

A Band of Bitches – I really hope this turns out to be GWAR.

Barcelona – Are there any bands named after places that AREN’T adult contemporary alternative?

Baths – Electronic sideburn feelings, still.

Beach Fossils – This band hates fun almost as much as their trust funds.

Bear Mountain – Is this electro/dance easy good time fun band fucking huge yet? Because they sure as shit will be. Swing it.

The Beards – Australian Comedy Folk Rock so, you know…Beards (ahahaharumph).

Ben Sollee – Hipster cellist plays sentimental indie pop, has watermelon, melts heart.

Bernhoft – Jack Johnson’s fucking HUGE in Norway, dude.

Bernie Worrell Orchestra – I don’t live the funk but if you would, you’re already there.

The Besnard Lakes – This band is always way better than I expect. Massive shoegaze for the OG 4AD.

Bestfriends – I feel like I’ve heard a dozen bands all playing on derivations of this name. None of them have pleased me.

Bestial Mouths – Oh fuck yes LA fashion goth rock.

Bez – If it’s not the tambourine junkie from the Happy Mondays, I could give a flying fuck.

Big K.R.I.T. – Who’s the dude who ate his girlfriend’s lungs? Big Lurch? This isn’t him.

Billy Bragg – I am crying and unionizing already. Wow.

Bipolaroid – heheheh awesome. I’m in. I don’t care what it sounds like.

The Black Angels – Heavy psych. Don’t bother if you’re sober and it happens in the daylight.

Black Earth – Red dust rock. Clutch loves ‘em.

Black Lips – Duh. Get wasted. Get a mustache. Get a Bro Job, maybe.

Black Taxi – I’m not sure why, but this band totally reminds me of a top hat.

Black Tusk – RAAAAARRRRR!!!!

Blah Blah Blah – This name is unacceptable.

The Blank Tapes – Fuzz box der rock. This is what I THOUGHT Ariel Pink was gonna sound like. Fuck that guy.

Bleached – Kiiiiinda totally fucking in love with this radass sister act. Pop surf Ramones.

Bleeding Rainbow – Once Reading Rainbow. Half fuzz, part psych. Kick ass.

Blue Hawaii – The mother of the girl I lost my virginity to used to tease me because I only drank things that were blue. I was 18.

The Blue Van – I’m pretty sure I saw this band something like ten years ago. They were Danish, pretty good.

Boats – No.

Bonaparte – If you don’t go see fucking Bonaparte (AT LEAST) one time in your life, you will have died completely and utterly in vain. ANTI! ANTI!

Bonde Do Role – CARIOCA FUNK PARTAAAAAYYYY!!!! (I don’t really know what that means but I [heart] Portuguese)

Bonobo – DJ turned full band turned NOT M83.

Born Ruffians – I always think I know someone in this band but I don’t. They’re Canadian. Indie rock. Pleasant enough.

Braids – My first interview from my first trip to SXSW didn’t go well at all. I wonder if this twee shudder shoe commercial band is old enough for a Lone Star now.

Breathe Carolina – I was gonna say fuck the kids (and I’m sure I will at some point) but you know what? No. Fuck the parents. Your snowflakes are a blur of shiftless dicks. You should be ashamed.

BRONCHO – Fuck yeah, dude. Rock and roll all over this bitch.

Brutal Juice – Whoawhoawhoawhoaaaawaaait a second. Brutal Juice? Those acid punk goofy sorta hardcore kids from 120 Minutes? All right, then. Let’s get old.

Budos Band – Big instrumental funk for the soul party, baby. Get hip!

Butch Walker – This dude is nowhere near as tough as he thinks he is but he does have the Wooderson in one of his videos so take that with some salt.

California X – This band may or may not be full of shit but their roaring, half-joy 90s amplifier worship should prove something of a good time.

The Calm Blue Sea – Post Rock. They play every year.

Camera Obscura – Why the fuck is Camera Obscura playing SXSW? Moreover, what the fuck happened to the crazy assed synth punk exploration of a band that had the name first? Someone tell me they’re rich, please.

Capital Cities – Oooh. Um. Yeah. This is some totally infectious synth rock ala Naked and the Famous only from LA so better cocaine.

Captain Murphy (aka Flying Lotus) – Lemon? Got anything? Laptop work for shit sure.

Carousel – Why does everyone who plays electropop have to look like they could give two fucks? You’re not hard fellas and you never will be.

Carsick Cars – Chinese indie rock? Huh. Sound a little like The Wedding Present.

The Casket Girls – I think I heard these girls on NPR. Witchhouse with pretty hazy blonde ladies swooning over with unexpected clarity. Prolly boring as hell live but’ll be crowded as shit.

Cave Paintings – Man, David Gray got moody, huh?

Caveman – I should probably see this band for Liz.

Charli XCX – Totally kinda love her shit. Guilty pleasures of a gloomy white girl vacillating between French electro temptress and Santogold.

Charlie Mars – Eh.

Charlotte Church – Whoa. Charlotte Church has boobs now. That’s weird, dude. Really, really, really weird.

The Cheetahs – After days and days of disaffected experimentation, I imagine I will find this UK pop rock band desperately refreshing.

Chelsea Light Moving – Thurston Moore’s new band. Fuck you.

Chief Keef – Oh, good. Chief Keef is out of prison. Wait. Was Chief Keef in prison or did everybody just think he had something to do with killing that other kid and then Pitchfork had the video of him with guns and Lupe Fiasco was afraid? Right?

Child Actor – iPhone dreams of electric sheep.

Chris Cohen – Captured Tracks band/man that plays the la la psych electric jams.

Chirsteene – The only time I’ve ever been censored by the sober minds of Pinpoint was when I submitted photos from Christeene’s performance at the Iron Bear last year. Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh. UHN!

Chris Inglish – I think this was one of the Cool Kids, yeah?

Chuck Ragan – Acoustic feelings behind the dream boat that leads Hot Water Music. Tattoos and earplugs swoon.

CHVRCHES – I love Glasgow. I hate laptop electronica. The singer is pretty and has a solid voice.

Cities Aviv – A darkened pop sonic pastiche underlying a wry and possibly awesome MC.

City and Colour – I used to really like that one Dashboard Confessional record when it came out.

Civil Twilight – You’re named after a Weakerthans track (don’t lie) and yet you’re ruining Coldplay for everyone.

Clutch – They will not play “Shogun Named Marcus.” Go see them anyway.

The Coathangers – I have a total terror crush on the gnarly screaming drummer from this Atlanta slack scuzz band.

Cold War Kids – Huh.

Colourmusic –Maximum fuckall rock cumming right between the Mae Shi, Flaming Lips and a smoldering Orange amplifier.

Coma – Did you know there was something called the “Cologne Stomp”? I sure as shit didn’t.

Computer Magic – Stay home and get high.

Corizonas – America is almost officially out of rock and roll bands. VIVA ESPANOL!

The Creepy Creeps – Sand Diegan sci fi punk garage trash of the gleefullest goofball order.

Crooked Bangs – Like a thinner, surfiner Trick Babys. Did you know they got married on the Cyclone? Trick Babys ruled.

The Crookes – The extra “e” is for the Queen. Wait, what?

The Crystal Method – (get paid)

Cut Is What We Aim For – I just…I just can’t anymore. We’re all going to die horribly.

Daedelus – LA producer with serious mutton chops will…um…I don’t really know what producers do.

Dan Bern – Let’s just all agree that Dylan died long ago, okay? Way, way, WAY before those creepy ass Victoria’s Secret commercials. *shudder*

The Darcys – Lovely, lovely heart and post rock shivers from the Great White North.

Darwin Deez – Go ask Pitchfork.

Dash Rip Rock – The endless white middle-aged band.

David Wax Museum – Big, clamoring Americana duo that’s been around a minute and deserves at least twenty of your boozy attention.

Dawes – Wow. This band couldn’t be less for me if they played “This Much Is True.”

Dead Gaze – Whoa! Awesome. Angry. Fuzzed as fuck and just an inch pretty. I could listen to this while going crazy any day.

Dead Leaf Echo – The new My Bloody Valentine record sucks.

Dead Prez – Hip hop duo back after a nine year hiatus.

The Dear Hunter – Tatman likes this band. They put out an album about the color spectrum. I keep thinking they’re going to be heavy as shit but they err on the side of orchestral.

Death – I have no idea what band called Death is playing SXSW so caveat emptor, motherfuckers.

The Death Set – I like and love and loathe this band. One member’s dead. They have some amazing tracks. They’re dipshit rogue rat hipsters but I bet they’ll fuck shit up real good.

Delicate Steve – Whoever named this band requires a severe standing dropkick. The music’s simple indie with a touch of guitar wankery.

Dent May – Why are we still wrapping decent pop songwriting up in this pathetic gauze of irony? Seriously. Fuck your cat shirt, dickface.

Devendra Banhart – I must admit, Mr. Banhart that I was never much a fan of your psych folk endeavors but the fact that you continue to be a part of SWANS recent touring schedules demands I reconsider your worth in the cultural landscape.

Diamond Rings – Oh, yeah. Another Fun Fun Fun alum that I totally loved in weird, dreamy treadmill secret.

Diarrhea Planet – Sigh. “Ghost with a Boner” is a fucking AMAZING song.

Die! Die! Die! – YES! Their last record was AWESOME! Missed them, like, five times in the last few years and (probably) will again. Goddamnit.

Diego Garcia – I’m sorry I think you’re a de Palma villain.

The Digital Age – I prefer Hi Ho Silver Oh.

DIIV – New York’s all right if you wanna burn down the Hot Topic.

Dikes of Holland – Yeah, all right. Garage rock. Drug punk. Let’s make a mess of this shit.

Dirty Ghosts – I really almost like that one song “Ropes That Way” but then I don’t. I really don’t.

Divine Fits – SUPERGROUP ALERT! SPOON STILL SUCKS!

Assorted DJs – There are a lot of them and I neither dance nor do fashionable narcotics so I imagine we won’t be meeting down south in this capacity.

Doldrums – A less robust Zola Jesus with a shocking fondness for the early Casio’s rendition of marimba.

The Dollyrots – Remember how everyone was all “Avril Lavigne isn’t fucking punk!” but all the punks were all “AHAHAHA! SK8R BOI RULES!” because punks don’t give a fuck? Yeah. This is the former.

Dragons of Zynth – I saw this band open for Qui and they had me dance on stage in a dragon’s head. Brooklyn Vegan fans mocked me. David Yow dry humped my face. I did good that day.

The Dreebs – Holy FUCK! This is fucking amazing. Crazy glooming post love death rock primal freakout. Oh shit. Have I seen this band? They play in the dark on the floor with several drummers and a violin. SICK!

The Drowning Men – …don’t know hot to light cigarettes in prison.

Dune Rats – Bullshit pop lo fi delight.

Dusted – I am generally apprehensive about falsetto hooks but, yeah…I can do this half sleepy and totally comfortable with my body.

Dustin Wong – Guitar gosling from Ponytail.

Eagles of Death Metal – I can (and will, one day, by the power of GG Allin) kick Josh Homme’s ass. You hear that, boy? I’m coming for you.

Earl Sweatshirt – Arguably the finest MC to stumble underaged and privileged from the Odd Future camp after a stint in boarding school.

Ed Kowalczyk – He probably won’t play “Lightning Crashes,” huh?

Eddie Spaghetti – Isn’t the Supersuckers just Eddie Spaghetti anyway? This is gonna be some country shit isn’t it? Fucking Mike Ness.

EL VEZ – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell – Respect.

Eric Burdon – No, seriously. Fucking RESPECT! He sang for The Animals and then he was the white man who fronted WAR so there isn’t a goddamn thing you can do to fuck with Mr. Burdon. He owns your balls.

ESG – Wow. We are on a seriously retro kick here.

Everything Everything – The good folks at Bear Trap sent me this band some years ago and I dismissed their pop punk for a formulaic tribute to bands I once stage dove to but now…I guess they’re the real deal, huh?

Ex Cops – Lazy, dazy, hazy Mazzy Star or Pains of Being Pure at Heart or a nap in sheep’s clothing.

Exhumed – DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHDDD!!! (metal, duh)

Experimental Aircraft – Yeah. See. No. I tried to see this fucking band twice my first time at SXSW and both times ended up WAY far away from my friends and weird drunk in some shitty bar watching some fucking feelings band with a fucking mannequin in a gas mask which would be awesome if it were a gay bar and cocaine but it WASN’T, WAS IT?!?!

f(x) – The good Kap’n just creamed his jeans.

Fat Tony – Hell yes, hip hop that toured with B L A C K I E way back some when, can inexplicably recruit string instruments and has a track whose chorus goes “Buy my shit.”

Faye – This is the pornstar, right?

Fear of Men – Up with the la la UK fuzz dream pop. This band is so fucking awesomely Aimee!

Feral Future – Juicebagging Bratmobile isn’t something I imagined I’d enjoy so much.

Fiddleworms – Might as well just call yourselves The Sad, Drunk Uncle Dicks.

FIDLAR – Fuck It Dude Life’s A Risk. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new Black Lips.

Fitz and the Tantrums – I really do appreciate how much love Darryl Hall’s been getting lately. Seriously. “Maneater” fucking rules.

Five Knives – So, it’s somewhere between, like, the “Wild Boys” video and early nineties chainsaw light industrial and The Sounds, I guess.

Flatbush Zombies – So, I tried really hard to listen to hip hop at the beginning of this year and pretty much failed except for this one A$AP Mob mixtape which features Flatbush Zombies who, of course, scare the fuck out of me.

The Flatliners – I just can’t listen to Fat Wreck bands anymore.

Flosstradamus – The post bike political bop that never quits.

Flume – An Aussie DJ or…um…electronica? What is the difference between a DJ and an electronic artist? Dancing? Is it just dancing? You’ll dance to this.

Follakzoid – New Sacred Bones band. There’s an umlaut in their name which is surprising for a Chilean psych kraut act…or not.

Fort Lean – Oh, yeah. I think I thought it would be fun to check out this bleached out “where does rock end and irony begin?” Brooklyn band at Googa Mooga but I was on the beer ticket line, in the sun, for two hours so I didn’t.

Fossil Collective – Sad, pretty and reasonably exquisite folk duo from Leeds.

Foxygen – Kap’n? I got nothin’ except probably ire.

Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls – OH! This dude was in Million Dead with Julia from Future of the Left and now plays some folk/punk (sung/shout) jams. Something about the Olympics.

Free Energy – Harmless and hella catchy as fuck goofball indie pop rok. Gym jams like a mofo.

Freedy Johnston – You know the story. * shudders *

Fuck Art, Let’s Dance! – “Let’s Kill!” is a better end.

Full of Hell – Sounds pretty much exactly what you imagine a band called Full of Hell would sound like.

Funeral Suits – Irish. Big, bald heart weirdos with ten teeth in the muck of the alternative nation. Good things, all.

Fungi Girls – Of course they’re a garage band. My dad’s “mushroom” joke is better.

Futurebirds – Family of the Year, only different.



Comments are closed.